What we prioritize in life is deeply rooted in our core values. Recently, while guiding a group of leaders through an exercise to explore how their values shape their leadership, I reflected on my own. The value that has consistently resonated with me—one I can trace back to my earliest memories—is freedom.

As a young girl, I longed for the ability to exist untethered, free from expectations and societal constructs. Yet, for much of my life, I suppressed this need. I conformed—first as a daughter, then as a wife, and later as a mother—pushing aside my desire for autonomy to meet the roles I was conditioned to fulfill.

The challenge with living in this truth is by honoring my core need, others whom I have shown up for and performed in the way they expected have felt a loss. They lost the woman they could once manipulate, they lost the person who showed up despite the heartless actions or lack of kindness in their tone, they lost the mother who was willing to bend and almost break in order for her kids to be happy and not judge her. But when it was present it was not valued or seen. That loss comes with frustration, anger and resentment because I took something I had so freely given to others back to give it rightfully to myself. 

As Glennon Doyle said in Untamed, “When a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself.” That freedom comes with a cost—but the price of staying in a cycle that diminishes you is far greater.

For me the cycle I have been breaking is denial of what I truly want. I have been taught it was selfish to think of myself and that same narrative was quickly adopted by first my ex-husband and then my children. Choosing ourselves is an act of liberation for us and a slap in the face for the person who benefitted from the unaware person who gave herself freely without concern for the cost she was paying. 

I come from a lineage of women who sacrificed themselves for the sake of others. Women who were taught that endurance was a virtue, that love meant self-denial, and that duty always came before desire. I watched my mother, my aunts, and the generations before them prioritize obligation over personal fulfillment, believing that to be a “good woman” was to be a silent one. Without even realizing it, I inherited this cycle—learning to shrink, to stay, to surrender my needs for the comfort of others.

But as I continue my journey of self-discovery, healing, and reclaiming joy, I realize that freedom is not just a longing; it is the foundation of my being. In choosing freedom, I am breaking this cycle. I am rewriting the narrative that says a woman must lose herself in service to others. I am showing my children, especially my daughter, that love and responsibility should never come at the cost of self-abandonment. Freedom is the force guiding my choices, the measure by which I now define peace, and the value I refuse to compromise any longer.

I keep getting reminders in my life that my choice will disrupt the equilibrium I crave in my home and family. But at this point my freedom also requires my mind to shift and be willing to let go of the idea of my equilibrium as a safety net for reassurance in love. If my freeness scares you, then I may not be the one for you. My ability to move through my life without abandon may threaten others’ need for certainty, but it gives me peace and more clarity than the fog of a prescriptive narrative. 

Breaking a cycle doesn’t mean rejecting your past or the people in it. It means redefining what love, worth, and happiness look like for you. It means stepping out of survival mode and into a life of intention. Knowing who you desire in your core leads you to live in purpose and with authenticity. 

Healing isn’t just about what you leave behind; it’s about what you create moving forward. For me, this has meant recognizing what beliefs and patterns hold me hostage to a story I no longer want to be the main character in. It meant rediscovering who I was as a free soul outside of being a wife or mother. It meant finding people that value and see my unrestrained spirit as my gift and light not something to fear and control.

So, I ask you—what is one way you can choose yourself today? What cycle are you ready to break?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. If this resonates, share this with someone who needs it. And if you want to dive deeper, join me in the conversation on episodes of Pain to Power with dynamic guests sharing their tools for healing and finding themselves. Your story matters, and your healing begins the moment you decide to know and choose yourself.